My therapist, Sybille, says I should write you a letter venting my frustration. Apparently it’s healthy to just let all your emotions out. Well that’s what Sybille thinks (who by the way is imaginary, being British I couldn’t possibly talk about my feelings to a stranger.) So here goes.
To get to the point, you’re completely ruining my love life. You make it almost impossible for me to date! Now you and I, dearest M, go way back so do I need to remind you of the time you so rudely interrupted my date with Bernard? (Name changed for legal reasons.) Bernard and I were engaging in some heavy petting, shall we say, when all of a sudden, like an unwanted Aunt, you decided to show up. But this time your arrival was more unusual, and took a surprising avenue.
I was kissing Bernard when I noticed something sticky on his face. Being polite, in between kisses I mumble:
“Um Bernard," [kiss kiss] "I’m terrible sorry but I think your nose is running.” He ignored me and kept on kissing, but the sticky substance was coming thick and fast. With horror I realized it was blood!
“Aurgh! Bernard! You’re having a nosebleed! Disgusting!” Bernard sat bolt up right and switched on the light. We screamed simultaneously, both of our faces smeared with blood. And yes, dear M, it was from my nose that blood was gushing forth. For earlier that day I had taken two of my nasal spray meds to keep you at bay! I think 10 years of these nasal sprays are taking their toll. Let me tell you dear M, nothing kills the mood like having a nose bleed on a boys face! You will not be surprised to hear he didn’t call me the next day.
And let’s not forget the date you so spectacularly ruined with the boy I REALLY liked. Yes, he was the one I thought I’d actually be able to date for more than two weeks. I had on my little black dress and red lacy Victoria’s Secret underwear all ready to go. The restaurant was perfect, he was perfect, it was going to be the most romantic night ever. Now I know I’m partly to blame, I decided not to bring my bag to dinner (have you noticed in Romantic Comedies girls never seems to carry handbags on dates?) I wanted to be all-carefree; Sex And The City. But oh no, you thought it would be so funny to bash me in the head with a sledgehammer right before our entrée arrived and I was powerless to stop you. I’d left my arsenal of defense at home, in my handbag. I tried to cover one side of my face with my hand, hoping handsome boy wouldn’t notice my eyeball was practically bleeding. But in the middle of one of the most expensive restaurants in London, I had to almost be carried out, taken home in a taxi and undressed like a child. Let me tell you – it was not exactly how I’d imaged he’d be taking off my clothes. He even had to help me take out my contact lenses!
For once, I’d like to go on a romantic picnic with a cute guy and not worry about eating the wrong foods, agree to play tennis, say yes to impromptu trips to Lego Land, be spontaneous and not have my handbag rattle like a mobile pharmacy. And do I bring you up in casual conversation on first dates? Or do I try to hide you away like a shameful drunken Aunt? And how do I begin to explain that you’re invisible to everyone but me - and not sound delusional?
Well, Sybille says as it’s Global YearAgainst The Headache, enough is enough. You know what I realized? You’re the longest relationship I’ve ever had! So, I’m afraid I’m going to involuntarily euthanize you. It might take some time, I might not be able to completely kill you right away, maybe I’ll just put you in a deep coma, but make no mistake. I’m in control now. You see I realized the key to keeping you at bay is getting educated, I’ve been doing a lot of reading and research, pestering all sorts of different Doctors and I think I’ve finally discovered your weak spot. Because I want a love life, I want to go on dates. I want to go on romantic weekends away and not have to worry about taking Ice packs, Heat Patches, TENS Units, Triptans, Rescue Medications and anti spasm pills. They’re not very sexy and make me look like a drug addict. So dear M, Sybille thought it only fair I give you some warning.
Things are going to change. I’m joining Match.Com.
p.s If pesky migraines are ruining your dating life do something about it - don't suffer in silence. There is help and hope out there. Useful links can be found top right!
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